please delete

Hello, just saw this and thought it looked interesting, I know you posted it a while ago, but I thought since I read it, I would just put in my two-cents of what I thought.
I liked it, I feel like you have a lot more you can do to develop the characters, which I guess you might have already done in the following chapters that I will read soon. Like the person above me said, I would like to see more of Vern interacting with her people and showing how they are different from the other tribes, and just a plain little more elaboration on the different tribes themselves.
Over all, I liked it and I think you can take it far, I look forward to clicking on chapter two.

Sailor.

Hey Vox,

I'm Tanya and I decided to check out your first chapter. Here are my thoughts:

You have created a very interesting world and although I'm a big fan of events happening quickly, I think this is all too fast. I mean, you have three chapters here on one page. Couldn't you elaborate each chapter a little more? Let us see 'Vern' interact with her people and get a feeling of how they are. Maybe you could watch two of them sparring and include the thought here that they aren't very good fighters and so on, instead of info dumping it all.

Personally, that third chapter makes absolutely no sense to me. Vern attacks Gattlin but leaves him that way? No way in he**. If it happened to me, I'd chop his own wings right off. Finito! You don't show us how she feels, we have no idea what pain she feels, what her thoughts are. Yes, she can pack a mean kick, but so what if she does nothing about it? She has a knife and all she does is carve lines? Again, no way. I'd stab him. Through the heart. Period. So you have to show us why Vern doesn't. Why she hesitates. Why she lets him live when he's taken away what's the most precious to her; her ability to fly...

Hope this helps,
Tanya

thanks, everybody who posted!

I've been working on this one lately (Yeah, it's been a year since I posted it here...) and it's shaping up nicely. The characters have continued to evolve.

Please feel free to check out the second installment--and the third and fourth, which are coming soon.

Thanks!

-Voxina

Good start. Great use of language. But I have a few things to note. You should merge the mini chapters into one single chapter. Alos, you should slow down the pace as things happen very quicly, also suddenly switching the POV from the girls to Gattlin's is pretty confusing. Nonethless and interesting beginning, go Voxina!

Hello vox nihili.

The bitter wind was edged in ice, stinging like the talons of a raptor; the slate stratus clouds an omen of the torrents that would soon slice the air.

Verdeyan thought for a moment of retreating back to the island. The haven of trees was like a beacon, the broad branches of pines and gums stretching out in the expanse of limbs that she called home.

The Hamoiin didn’t exist, she knew, yet she still wondered with a defiance of fact that was unhealthy for a young woman.

Rapteins were just one of the many Fleirzon tribes, but no tribe was as callous as the Rapteins. Verdeyan had known a girl called Pontash whom had been captured. Her captor had cut off the tips of her wings and flown away with her, while her friends and relatives watched, helpless against the guard of Raptein warriors that hovered in the way. Now a Raptein was after her. Would she live? Verdeyan knew not.

The Rapteins had spartan lifestyles, moving and conquering whatever parts of the forest they could. Their all-men squadrons and patrols were ruthless and precise in fighting and attacks. Few ever survived the attacks, unless they were they captured. If one was captured, they were never seen again, but no one knew precisely what happened. Many had disappeared never to be seen again.